What If I Married the Wrong Person?

Short answer: if you're married, the person you married is your spouse, and that settles the "right person" question. The thought that you picked wrong usually shows up in a hard season and feels like a discovery. It isn't. It's a lie, and Scripture gives you everything you need to answer it. God is far more interested in growing the marriage you have than in confirming you should have chosen someone else.

Brad Straarup named this lie in his message The Lies Wrecking Your Relationships, and his answer is refreshingly blunt: stop asking whether you married the right person, and start asking what God wants to do in the marriage you're in.

Where does the "wrong person" thought come from?

The first lie in Scripture was told to a couple. The serpent didn't use force. He asked a question that sounded reasonable: "Did God really say...?" (Genesis 3:1). Then he offered a new way of seeing things, one where God was holding out on them and something better was within reach.

The "wrong person" thought works exactly the same way. It "disguises itself as insight rather than temptation, and it turns everything your spouse does into evidence for it." The forgotten errand proves it. The tone of voice proves it. The coworker who laughs at your jokes proves it. You stop seeing your spouse and start building a case.

And it rarely sounds like the enemy. Lies like this don't show up with horns and a pitchfork. They come through familiar voices: a friend who says you deserve better, or your own tired thoughts at midnight. Paul says we "take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ" (2 Corinthians 10:5). That includes this one.

Wasn't there one person I was supposed to marry?

If you're single and wondering how to choose, read Is There Only One Person God Wants You to Marry? This post is for the person who already said "I do" and now wonders if they missed it.

Play the idea out. If one person married the wrong partner, they bumped someone else off their match, who bumped the next, and somewhere back in history one bad decision knocked the whole world out of order. Now everyone is married to the wrong person. It doesn't work that way.

So how do you know you married the right one? "Go home, go to your filing cabinet, pull out your marriage license, and see whose name is on there." Whoever you married became the right person. Scripture says a husband and wife are "united" and "become one flesh" (Genesis 2:24), and God honors the person "who keeps an oath even when it hurts" (Psalm 15:4).

If it's this hard, doesn't that mean we're incompatible?

This is where the lie gets most convincing, because the struggle itself feels like proof. But difficulty usually doesn't mean incompatibility. It means sanctification.

Sanctification is God's slow work of making you more like Jesus (Romans 8:29). Marriage may be His most effective tool for it, because nothing exposes selfishness faster than sharing a budget and a bathroom with another sinner. James says trials produce perseverance, and perseverance makes us "mature and complete" (James 1:2-4).

Many fights are really about something one of us knows we should do and won't. That isn't a compatibility problem. It's a discipleship problem, and discipleship problems have answers. Jesus' question applies at home: why focus on the speck in your spouse's eye and ignore the plank in your own (Matthew 7:3)?

What if my spouse never changes?

"They'll never change, so I might as well quit" sounds like honesty. It's really bitterness dressed up as realism, and it writes the ending before God does.

Jesus changes people. The God who began a good work in you "will carry it on to completion" (Philippians 1:6), and He can do that in your spouse too. Peter even tells believers whose spouse isn't following the Lord that their spouse can be won over by how they live, without words (1 Peter 3:1-2). You can't make anyone change. You can stay faithful, pray, and refuse to give up on what God can do (Galatians 6:9).

Why does everyone else's marriage look better?

Comparison feeds this lie. You see the vacation photos. You don't see the yelling right before everyone smiled.

The grass isn't greener on the other side. It's greener where you water it. Proverbs says, "may you rejoice in the wife of your youth" (Proverbs 5:18). Rejoicing is something you practice, not something you wait to feel.

What should I do when the thought shows up?

• Name it. Tell God, "This is a lie, and I'm not agreeing with it," and ask Him to renew your mind (Romans 12:2).
• Run to God first. Your spouse was never meant to be your savior or carry that load. When both of you move toward God, you end up moving toward each other.
• Water your own grass. One thing this week: an apology, a date, a chore you usually leave for them.
• Get help. A pastor, a Christian counselor, or a couple further down the road. A marriage Spirit Group is a great place to find them.

What if my marriage isn't just hard, but unsafe?

That is different, and nothing in this post asks you to stay in danger. Abuse, threats and violence are not a sanctification issue. A healthy parent's first question to a struggling child should be whether they're being hit or abused, and that's the right first question for you too. If you are in danger, call 911, or call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233. Please reach out to a pastor, a Christian counselor or a trusted friend. Getting safe is not a failure of faith.

Frequently asked questions

Is "I married the wrong person" a reason to divorce?

No. Scripture treats marriage as a covenant meant to last. Jesus speaks of sexual immorality (Matthew 19:9) and Paul of an unbelieving spouse who leaves (1 Corinthians 7:15), but disappointment and difficulty aren't on that list. Abuse is a separate matter of safety; get help right away.

What if I married someone who isn't a Christian?

Paul told believers in that situation to stay if their spouse is willing, because a believing spouse brings God's influence into the home (1 Corinthians 7:12-14). God can work through your marriage.

Can the feelings come back?

Often, yes. But feelings follow choices more than they lead them. Love is a choice before it's a feeling. Jesus didn't feel His way to the cross; He chose it.

Become the right one

"Did I marry the right person?" keeps you looking backward. A better question looks forward: am I becoming the right person for the spouse I have? You can start answering that today.

This post comes from Brad Straarup's message, The Lies Wrecking Your Relationships, the first message in the series It's Complicated, on the lies culture tells about love, sex and marriage.

If you'd like people around you who will fight for your marriage, plan a visit and come as you are.