Does a Wife Have to Submit to Her Husband in Everything?

Not in the way that question usually fears. Ephesians 5:24 does say "in everything," but Paul sets those words inside mutual submission "out of reverence for Christ," inside the phrase "as you do to the Lord," and right beside a command for husbands to lay down their lives. A wife never has to follow her husband into sin, and biblical submission never means putting up with abuse or staying somewhere unsafe.

Brad Straarup took this on in his message How to Be a Godly Woman, and his answer is one more Christians need to hear: submission is real, it's good, and it has limits written right into the text.

What does "in everything" mean in Ephesians 5?

Read the whole paragraph, not one line of it. Paul starts with a sentence for every believer: "Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ" (Ephesians 5:21). Then he shows what that looks like in a home: "Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord" (Ephesians 5:22). Two verses later comes the phrase people argue about: "Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything" (Ephesians 5:24).

Notice the comparison. Christ never asks His church to sin. "In everything" means a wife doesn't lock a few rooms of her life away from the partnership. It doesn't mean her husband takes God's place. Every bit of it is done "as you do to the Lord," which means the Lord stays Lord.

So the limits are already there. If a husband asks his wife to do something sinful or harmful, she can respectfully say no, out of reverence for Christ. If he tells her not to go to church, she doesn't have to go along. When the apostles were ordered to disobey God, they answered, "We must obey God rather than human beings!" (Acts 5:29). The same principle holds in a marriage.

What does submission actually mean?

We've turned it into a frightening word, and it shouldn't be. Look at the word itself: sub, under, and mission. A submitted wife is coming under the mission God has given her husband and their family. She's choosing to come alongside that direction and strengthen it.

It helps to name what submission is not. It doesn't make a wife inferior or less valuable. It doesn't mean she can't make decisions. It doesn't ask her to hide her calling or shrink back. Men and women are both made in God's image (Genesis 1:27), and husbands are told to treat their wives as "heirs with you of the gracious gift of life" (1 Peter 3:7). Equal worth is not up for debate.

Jesus is the clearest proof that submitting doesn't make anyone less. He is fully God, yet He said, "I have come down from heaven not to do my will but to do the will of him who sent me" (John 6:38). Paul says "the head of Christ is God" (1 Corinthians 11:3). The Son is not inferior to the Father. Submission is about role and order, never value.

Do women have to submit to all men?

No. The text says "your own husbands." That's one covenant relationship, not a rule that women defer to men in general.

It doesn't apply to dating, either. Too many women are "giving husband treatment to boyfriend energy." Until there is a covenant, you lead yourself before God. A boyfriend or fiancé doesn't get the role a husband gets, because he hasn't made the promise a husband makes.

What does God ask of the husband?

Keep reading past verse 22. "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her" (Ephesians 5:25). Brad sums up Paul's instructions in four words: "Girls, submit. Men, die."

A husband's headship is not permission to boss. Paul says, "Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them" (Colossians 3:19). The model is Jesus with a towel, washing feet, then going to a cross (John 13:1-17). And a husband who lays down his life like that becomes remarkably easy to submit to.

What if my husband is controlling or abusive?

Let's be plain. Submission never means tolerating abuse. Violence, threats, coercion, or cutting you off from family and money so you can't leave: none of that is headship. It's sin, and God takes it seriously (Psalm 11:5). Getting yourself and your children safe is not rebellion against God. Even Paul used the protection of the authorities when people plotted to harm him (Acts 23:12-24).

If you are in immediate danger, call 911. You can reach the National Domestic Violence Hotline any time at 1-800-799-7233. Then tell someone: a pastor, a licensed Christian counselor who shares your faith, a trusted friend. You don't have to figure this out alone, and you don't have to fix him before you are allowed to be safe.

What does healthy submission look like day to day?

For most marriages the question is ordinary friction. Here's what coming under the mission tends to look like:

• Respect as a choice. Paul says "the wife must respect her husband" (Ephesians 5:33). That respect isn't something he earns first. You assign it, the same way he's called to honor you on your hard days.
• Speak up, and ask instead of hint. Submission doesn't mean silence. Bring your wisdom and your concerns. A strong helper speaks.
• Critique the thing, not the man. Asking him to take out the trash is fine. Contempt is not.

Frequently asked questions

Does "submit to one another" cancel out wives submitting?

No. Ephesians 5:21 sets the tone, and then Paul shows what it looks like for wives, husbands, children and workers (Ephesians 5:22-6:9). Husbands and wives both submit to Christ, in different ways.

Does submission mean women can't lead or teach?

No. Ephesians 5 is about a wife and her own husband. Scripture shows women leading and prophesying, like Deborah (Judges 4:4) and the daughters God said would prophesy when His Spirit came (Acts 2:17-18). Spirit Church holds a gift-based view: elders and the lead pastor are qualified men, and women can serve as pastors and teach, including on Sundays, under the elders.

What if we can't agree on a decision?

Talk it through, pray together, and get wise counsel (Proverbs 15:22). When you truly reach an impasse on something that isn't sin, a submitted wife can trust God with the outcome, and a loving husband will weigh her voice heavily.

Submission that looks like Jesus

God isn't asking wives to disappear. He invites them to strengthen a shared mission out of love for Him, while He calls husbands to die to themselves. When both do that, submission starts looking like Jesus.

This post comes from Brad Straarup's message, How to Be a Godly Woman, part of the series It's Complicated, which walks through God's design for women, how sin distorted it, and how Jesus restores it.

If you'd like a church family to walk with you in your marriage, plan a visit this Sunday.