What Are Red Flags in a Christian Relationship?

Red flags in a Christian relationship are patterns that warn you someone isn't ready to love you well: pressure to compromise your values, secrecy, refusing to define the relationship, hot-and-cold affection, worried friends and family, unkindness to others, and a faith that only shows up when it's convenient. Scripture's advice is simple. When you see danger, don't keep driving. Slow down, pay attention, and be willing to walk away.

Brad Straarup took this on in his message How to Date God's Way, and his answer is blunt: red flags are warnings, not accessories. You don't admire a red light at an intersection. You stop.

Why do we ignore red flags?

Most people don't miss red flags. They see them and explain them away. He's controlling, but that just means he's protective. She bends the truth, but she's had a hard life. We like being wanted, and we tell ourselves it will get better after the wedding.

A warning sign in someone's character isn't a cute quirk to work around. Calling it charming doesn't make it safe.

Proverbs says it this way: "The prudent see danger and take refuge, but the simple keep going and pay the penalty" (Proverbs 27:12). Noticing a red flag isn't being judgmental. It's being wise.

What are the biggest red flags in Christian dating?

1. They pressure you to compromise your values. If you've decided to honor God with your body and they keep pushing, take it seriously. Love is patient, love is kind, and it is "not self-seeking" (1 Corinthians 13:4-5). Someone who keeps pressing past your convictions isn't loving you. They're using you. God calls each of us to control our own body "in a way that is holy and honorable" (1 Thessalonians 4:4).
2. They refuse to go public. "Just keep it between us" is a major warning. Healthy relationships can stand the light (John 3:20). Sometimes the reason for the secrecy is painfully simple: there's someone on the side.
3. They won't define the relationship. "Let's just chill" can drift on for years. Clarity is a form of kindness. Jesus taught that our words should be plain and honest: "All you need to say is simply 'Yes' or 'No'" (Matthew 5:37). Men especially, lead here: say you want to date, and say that you're dating with marriage in mind.
4. They ghost you, then love bomb you. Days of silence, then a flood of attention and big promises. That cycle keeps you off balance. Faithfulness is part of the fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22), and faithful love is steady.
5. Your friends and family don't like them. Not every objection is right, but when the people who love you most are worried, listen. "Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed" (Proverbs 15:22).
6. They treat waiters poorly. How someone treats a server or a cashier shows you how they'll treat you once the excitement fades. If they treat waiters poorly, they'll eventually treat you poorly. Scripture calls us to value others above ourselves (Philippians 2:3) and warns against close ties with a hot-tempered person, "or you may learn their ways and get yourself ensnared" (Proverbs 22:24-25).
7. Their spiritual life is inconsistent. Passionate about God when you're watching, absent when you're not. Jesus said, "By their fruit you will recognize them" (Matthew 7:16).

Can a red flag turn green?

This hope keeps a lot of people stuck. People can change by the grace of God. But a wedding doesn't fix character. It magnifies it.

As Brad put it, "You do not marry potential. You marry patterns." And left alone, "red flags don't turn green. They get redder."

Fruit is what grows over time, not what shows up on one good night. "Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much, and whoever is dishonest with very little will also be dishonest with much" (Luke 16:10). Small lies, small cruelties and small compromises while dating rarely shrink after the wedding.

Real change looks like humility, honesty and a track record. If someone tells you they've changed, you're allowed to wait and let the pattern prove it.

What if I'm the one with red flags?

Most of us read a list like this thinking about someone else. It's worth reading it in a mirror too.

A sharper question than "Who am I looking for?" is this one: are you becoming the kind of person the one you're hoping for would be looking for? That's not meant to shame you. It's an invitation. "If anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!" (2 Corinthians 5:17). Owning your patterns is the first step to letting the Holy Spirit grow new ones.

What should I do if I see red flags?

• Name it. Write down what you're seeing. Patterns are easier to see on paper than in the moment.
• Talk to someone wise. A pastor, a mentor or a friend who loves Jesus and will be honest with you. "Walk with the wise and become wise" (Proverbs 13:20).
• Have the honest conversation. Some concerns can be raised directly. How they respond will tell you a lot.
• Be willing to walk away. Ending a relationship hurts. Marrying a pattern you already saw hurts more. "Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it" (Proverbs 4:23).

One important note: if a relationship involves threats, control, physical harm or fear, that's not a red flag to think over. It's a reason to get help now. Please reach out to a pastor, a counselor or trusted friends, and if you're ever in danger, contact local emergency services.

Frequently asked questions

Is it a red flag if they aren't a Christian?

Yes. For a believer, it's the first question to settle. Paul writes, "Do not be yoked together with unbelievers" (2 Corinthians 6:14). Shared faith in Jesus is the foundation of a Christian marriage, not a bonus feature.

Should I break up over one red flag?

It depends on the flag. Pressure to compromise your convictions, abuse or ongoing deception are serious on their own. Other concerns may be worth a direct conversation first. Either way, watch the pattern, not the promise.

What are green flags in a Christian relationship?

Someone who loves Jesus, has godly character, is wise and teachable, is faithful and trustworthy, is heading in the same direction as you, can love sacrificially, and with whom there is genuine desire and affection. Those qualities line up with the fruit of the Spirit in Galatians 5:22-23.

Slow down and see clearly

Seeing a red flag doesn't mean you failed. It means God gave you eyes to see. The prudent take refuge, and the simple keep going. You get to choose which one you'll be, and you don't have to choose alone.

This post comes from Brad Straarup's message, How to Date God's Way, part of the It's Complicated series on love, sex and marriage.

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