Brad: I'm excited about today, because we are answering your most asked relationship questions. We're doing hot topics. We're going deep. It's going to be awesome. We've been in a series called It's Complicated. Has the series been fun for y'all? It's our love, sex, and marriage series. And what we've been learning throughout the series is that when you do relationships the world's way, it's complicated. But whenever you do it God's way, it's uncomplicated. That doesn't mean it's easy, but it does become incredibly clear.

Over the last six weeks we have told you that, and y'all have been submitting question after question after question where you're basically saying, "Hey, here are some of the areas where it's still a little complicated for me." So today we're taking some time to answer your most asked questions, and our goal is to uncomplicate some stuff.

Some of the questions were kind of fun. We had a good time reading through them. Someone submitted, "Where's my wifey?" And bro, I don't know. She's probably on the Dream Team. You should go through Growth Track and join the Dream Team. That's where she is. I just feel it. She's probably in this room, probably on the Dream Team. Another one: "Will Spirit ever have a speed dating event?" And I don't know. Do y'all want a speed dating event? Maybe we need to go bowling. I got some yeses.

How did Brad and Paige meet?

But for real, a serious question, and one that was asked a ton. I think it's helpful because it sets the foundation for what we're going to talk about: how did you guys meet? Did you come to South Africa and see me riding an elephant, and you're like, "That's my Tarzan"? Tell them that's how it happened. How did we meet?

Paige: No, we met in church. We actually met serving in church together. Brad was living in South Africa and came over to America to do a church internship at the church I was serving at.

We were serving together, and it was not love at first sight at all. Neither of us was interested in the other person at all. But we became friends, and we were able to become close friends because we were so specific about checking in on one another. We would be like, "Hey, just want to make sure we're still good. We're still just friends, right?" And we'd say, "Yeah, there's nothing happening here." So we were able to become super close because we were safe. There was no romance happening there. Obviously the story changed, and eventually it was kind of like, maybe we should try this dating thing, because it would be so weird if we're best friends and we're dating other people.

Brad: You started backing away when there was potentially another girl, and I was like, what are you doing? And you said this line that traumatized me. You said, "Our relationship is terminal." I was like, "What does that mean?" And she says, "Let me make it clear for you. Either we're getting married, or we're going to marry other people and never be friends again." And I was like, "That's just not an option." So I was like, "Should we date?" And she was like, "I think that's kind of up to you, big boy." And I was like, "Oh, okay. Let me do that then." So yeah, super not romantic.

Paige: But the reason I share it is because we unintentionally built our relationship the right way, and we had a lot of questions about how to approach dating. In week one, Brad talked about it and showed us this pyramid of relationships. If you're single, this gives you a building order. Start spiritual: do they have a relationship with Jesus? Then get in community together. That's social. Then interpersonal: discover more about them, how they think, what you have in common. That's the personal stuff. Then you start dating, and it gets a little more emotional. And before we get to the winky face, we pause there if we're dating, because the winky face is off limits. We save the spicy stuff for marriage.

But if you are married, this gives us a strengthening order. I would encourage you to check your foundation. Is your foundation built on Jesus? Is He the center of your relationship? And are you still dating? Are you still getting to know one another? For us, I'm so grateful that our friendship was the foundation before it was romantic, because he's still my best friend.

Brad: I think sometimes you're in a marriage for a long time and you forget that you can go back to that spiritual component and continue to build on the relationship that is Jesus Christ. That's why we always say y'all need to keep dating. People keep changing, so you want to make sure you're doing that.

So that sets the foundation. Today we're going to be talking to singles, we're going to be talking dating, and we're going to be talking marriage. My encouragement is this: don't switch off. If we're talking to singles and you're married, you have friends who are single and people you can help in their season. Don't be a selfish listener. Don't just listen for yourself. Listen to help other people.

Singleness isn't a waiting room, it's a working room

First, we're coming to the singles. Here's the principle. Singles, if you're taking notes, write this down: singleness is not a waiting room. It is a working room. We had a lot of questions around preparation. How do I effectively prepare for marriage? How do I use the season of singleness? How do I wait well? Tell them.

How do I prepare for marriage while I'm single?

Paige: If you're single, you have to use the season to work on you. That's really the only thing you can control. Brad, you talked about it in this series. People can often say, "I'm looking for someone who's a Christian, someone who has the fruit of the Spirit, someone I'm attracted to physically, emotionally, spiritually." And it's so great that you know what you want. But the question is, are you who the person you're looking for is also looking for?

We can say, "I want someone who's kind," but are you kind? "I want someone who's responsible." Are you being responsible? Even financially, we want someone who's stable or doesn't have debt. But what are you doing to steward your finances in this season? And of course we all want someone who's emotionally, spiritually, and physically attractive. That's something we look for in dating relationships. But are you making yourself physically, emotionally, and spiritually attractive?

I remember in my single season I felt a conviction to study Proverbs 31. It's this infamous chapter for us as women that sets what seems like an unrealistic standard of being a woman. But I thought, let me take time to really understand what the Bible calls me to. And I think it's helpful even for men, as a standard for what to look for in a wife.

A few things we can take from it. Being physically attractive: Proverbs 31:17 says, "She dresses herself with strength and makes her arms strong." I want that. Bicep curls. Proverbs 31:22: "Her clothing is fine linen and purple." She takes care of her body, and she doesn't apologize for presenting herself well.

Then there's being emotionally attractive. Proverbs 31:25 says, "Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she laughs at the time to come." I don't know about you, but I'm not always laughing at the future. Sometimes fear grips me. This is about a woman who has done the work so that fear doesn't run her life. And Proverbs 31:11: "The heart of her husband trusts in her." That means she's emotionally safe to be around and to support him.

And the last one, spiritually. Proverbs 31:30: "Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised." So be ready to attract the person you're looking for.

Brad: Girl, you're my Proverbs 31 girl. Straight up. I'm trying to get points while I'm up here. But I think that's so helpful. If you're single, are you who the person you're looking for is looking for? Use the season to get on fire for God. Run after Him with everything. Serve, go on mission, help reach people for Christ. I remember for us, that's what we were doing. I was running after God with everything inside of me. Paige was running after God with everything inside of her. And eventually we noticed we were just running alongside each other. And we were like, should we run after Jesus together? And we said yes. We've been running together ever since, and it's been such a blessing.

How do I know if I'm being patient or just passive?

There was another question in that same vein, about being patient versus being passive: "How do you know when you're being patient for the right relationship versus being too passive and expecting someone to appear?" Like magic, they're just going to show up in your house. Which is an intruder. That's not what you want.

Paige: Why would we want that? No. I think a lot of single people are feeling that way, and even Christian culture can say God's just going to place them in your life. But I think both require waiting. Patience is a waiting that moves. There's still activity and energy behind it. Being passive is a waiting that's stagnant. It's just, I'm going to wait and sit. One does something, and the other does nothing and expects a miracle, like God's going to place someone in your house. And that would be an intruder.

I love the story of Ruth, because I think she positions herself to be found. Quick context if you've never read the book of Ruth: Ruth is a young widow. Her husband died, so it's her and her mother-in-law, Naomi. Two widows, no income, no man, no stability, no safety net. She's not even an Israelite. She's a Moabite, which means she's a foreigner in this land. Back then, they allowed the poor to follow behind the harvesters and pick up whatever grain was dropped. It was called gleaning, and it's how you survived. Then enter Boaz. Spoiler alert: he and Ruth get together. Boaz is a wealthy landowner, and he happens to be related to Naomi's late husband, which in Old Testament times means he's one of the few people actually qualified to help redeem this situation.

So we watch this girl with nothing do something. Ruth 2:2: "Let me go to the fields and pick up the leftover grain." She gets off the couch and does something, and she just lost her husband. Then Ruth 2:3 says, "As it turned out, she was working in a field belonging to Boaz." I think this is such a picture. She wasn't chasing after a man, but she was positioning herself. As it turned out, that's where God's providence found her, in her motion.

And when Boaz finally speaks to her, listen to what drew him to her. Ruth 2:11: "I've been told all about what you have done for your mother-in-law." She was taking care of her. It wasn't her looks. It was her reputation that went before her. Her character got there before she did.

Some of us are hiding in the house, or we're in the wrong places, on the dating apps. You're never going to find the right person in the wrong place. You're not going to find them in the club or at the bars. Maybe you will, but I don't think that's likely. So look for the right person in the right place. You're in the right place at church. That's why we joke that maybe we should do a singles mixer, because that's the right place. Find someone through a friend. Find someone through community. Maybe that means you need to join a group or start a group to build the community you're looking for.

I was never waiting around for Brad. I was serving at the church. I was in a group. I was actually leading a group of high school girls, and that's how we got connected. If I hadn't been serving in church, honestly, we would have never met. So put yourself out there. Put yourself in a position, and be patient.

What qualities should I look for in a spouse?

Okay, Brad, the next question is for you. What qualities should I look for, whether I'm young and single, single again, or single with kids? Is physical attraction important? Can it grow? And what preferences are keeping me single?

Brad: Okay. Physical attraction is important, but it isn't everything. All the married people say amen. They know that. Proverbs 31:30 says, "Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting." What does that mean? It means at some point, gravity wins. If y'all didn't know, that's what that means. At some point gravity is going to win for all of us. "But a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised."

We joked about this, but Paige and I weren't exactly each other's type. And I think for some of you, the reason you're so stuck is that you're stuck on all these physical characteristics. They need to be 6'4", they need to have blue eyes, they need to have this color hair. Here's the challenge: you've seen people who are short and good-looking. You've seen people who are tall and good-looking. You've seen people with brown eyes and good-looking, and blue eyes and good-looking. Don't be so overly specific on the physical attributes.

My challenge for you is this: change your list from what to who. Instead, ask, "What kind of person am I looking for?" Because you can meet someone who's good-looking, but when they have a terrible personality, it gets to a point where you're like, "You're not good-looking anymore." And you can meet someone and think, "Yeah, you're all right," and then they love Jesus and they're amazing, and you're like, "Oh my gosh, you're the most attractive person in the world."

A couple of categories I want you to write down. The first is character. Do they have good character? Proverbs 31 is great. 1 Timothy 4:12 says, "Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith and in purity." How's that for a list? How do they speak? How do they act? How do they love? Do they have faith? And are they pure? You want to look for character.

Second, chemistry, which is holistic attraction. Sometimes we just care about physical attraction. But are you also attracted to them emotionally? Spiritually? Intellectually? There needs to be physical attraction. Please do not go to the wedding altar saying, "We're not physically attracted at all." For us, it's not where it started, but it is where it came. You want to look for chemistry.

And the final thing is compatibility, which is being equally yoked. The Bible talks about this in 2 Corinthians 6:14: "Do not be yoked together with unbelievers... what fellowship can light have with darkness?" So the question is, are they a believer? And not only that, are you going in the same direction? When two oxen are yoked, they're going in the same direction. Some of y'all are like, "I'm called to ministry in Africa," and the other person's like, "I want to be in Arizona the rest of my life." Y'all aren't equally yoked. If you're going in different directions, that's also a bad idea. So make sure you look at that as well.

Dating isn't practicing marriage, it's deciding on marriage

Paige: That's great. Next up, we're moving on to dating. The principle here is that dating is not practicing marriage. It's deciding on marriage. Brad said this in the series: dating is a process to move through, not a status to sit in. And we got lots of questions around premarital boundaries. Praise the Lord. Shocked about that one.

What if we feel at peace about sex before marriage?

The first question here is, "What would you say to a Christian couple who knows that sex before marriage is considered sinful, but feels at peace with their decision because they're deeply committed to one another?" What would you say, Brad?

Brad: I would encourage you to go watch last week's message on sex if you haven't. But I think this question is unique. A lot of times there are people in a relationship, let's say y'all are dating, and you slip, and you're so repentant and you feel so much conviction, and you're like, "God, I'm sorry," and you put things in place. I think for most people, that might be your experience. What makes this question unique is that this person is saying, "We're sleeping together. I know it's a sin, but I feel no conviction. I feel complete peace. I feel good about it because we're committed to each other." And this doesn't only apply to sexual sin. It applies to all sin.

Here's what I wrote down: peace is not proof that you're doing things right. It may just mean that you're justifying sin. Two verses for you. Proverbs 14:12: "There is a way that appears to be right, but in the end it leads to death." Jeremiah 17:9: "The heart is deceitful above all things."

So one of two things is happening. If you say, "We sin, and I've never felt conviction. I've always kind of felt good about it, and it's not a big deal, but I'm a Christian," if you have never felt conviction for sin at all, I don't know how to say this other than you're not a Christian. Because when you give your life to Jesus, the Holy Spirit comes inside of you and regenerates your heart. He gives you a new heart and new desires. That means you may sin, but you still feel conviction.

Or, most likely, you used to feel conviction for the thing, but you don't anymore because you've been justifying your sin. Let me just say this: that is not peace showing up. That is the alarm bells getting quieter. The Bible says we can sear our conscience. We can quench the Holy Spirit. That means you no longer feel conviction about the things you used to feel convicted of, and that is a scary place to be. If that's the case, what we have to do more than anything is repent.

I want to give you three verses for someone who says, "I know I'm living in sin, I'm continuing in it, I don't intend to stop, and I feel no conviction." This could be anger. This could be lying. This could be homosexuality. This could be adultery. This could be anything.

The first is 1 John 3:6: "No one who lives in him," that's Jesus, "keeps on sinning. No one who continues to sin has either seen him or known him." That doesn't say Christians don't sin. What it says is that there is a difference between struggling with sin and settling into sin. We all struggle with sin. But there's a difference between "I struggle and I repent" and "I'm good." If you're saying "I'm good," that verse says you don't even know Him.

Then John 14:15. Jesus says, "If you love me, keep my commands." If we love Him, that's what we're going to do. And 1 Corinthians 6:9–10: "Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor men who have sex with men," so homosexuality, "will inherit the kingdom of God."

So if you're in this place and you're saying, "I feel no conviction," my friend, surrender your life to Jesus and make Him Lord of your life. That means even if you don't understand why the Bible says what it says, you don't have to understand, but you do need to follow. Does that make sense? I wanted to make sure I hit that.

Is sex before marriage a sin in every situation?

So the next question is this, and I love it: "Is sex before marriage equally sinful in every situation, or do love, commitment, and intention matter to God?"

Paige: This is so fun. We're having fun up here today. The Bible calls sex before marriage fornication. Brad talked about that. And it's wrong in every situation before marriage, every time. It doesn't matter how much you love one another, how committed you are, or what your intentions are. The Bible is clear. It calls it sin. And I would say, if you have this intention, commitment, and love, and that's in fact true, then you'd be pursuing marriage. And if you're pursuing marriage, then we get the fruit of the Spirit, which is patience. I'd say wait, get married, and then go have fun.

How far is too far before marriage?

So, Brad, is it wrong to fool around before marriage? Yes, it's wrong. But how far is too far? This is everyone's favorite question. What is the line? Can I dance on the line? Can I stick my toe over the line? Talk to me about that line.

Brad: I feel like I'm going back to my youth pastor days with these questions. "How close can I get to the line? Can my foot go over it?" Okay. Colossians 3:5 says this, and I think it's a great verse: "Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust." It gives three categories. Put those to death.

What is sexual immorality? The root word there is porneia. It's any sexual activity outside of God's design for marriage. So let me be clear. I wrote this down: any deliberate touching of a person's sexual areas for sexual stimulation is sexual activity, and outside of marriage, that is a sin. That's what it says. Put to death sexual immorality.

But then it has this other word: whatever is impure. People ask, "How far is too far?" Change that question to this: is it pure? "I'm doing this thing. Is that too far?" Is it pure? Because if it's not pure, by definition it's impure, and we have to put that to death.

The final one is lust, which is to desire someone sexually. So if you're making out and you desire them sexually, the Bible calls that a sin.

So what do you do? Here we go. I'm going to give you the line. Is it any kind of sexual activity? Scripture says no. Is it pure? If it's not pure, no. Can we hold hands? Sure. Holding hands can be pure. Can I kiss them on the cheek? Sure, you can kiss them on the cheek. That's pure. Lust: does it cause you to desire them sexually?

I think this is a helpful thought process. Dating isn't in the Bible. You have brothers and sisters in Christ, and then you get married. Which means if you're not married, they're a brother or sister in Christ. So what would you do with your brother? How's that for the line? What would you do with your sister? Kiss her on the cheek? Go for it. Anything else? Do not do it.

Paige: I love that picture you just made, bro. We're just going to go ahead and move on from that.

Brad: Y'all asked for it. You did ask for this. Write that down.

Follow Jesus together and outserve each other

Paige: So on that note, we're going to move on to marriage. Married people, where we at? The next couple of questions are from our married people, and there's a principle I want you to write down: follow Jesus together, and outserve each other along the way. That's from Romans 12:10, where Paul says, "Outdo one another in showing honor." If you live by that principle, you're going to have a great marriage.

What's the best marriage advice?

Brad, I'm going to start easy with you. What's your best piece of marriage advice?

Brad: Best piece of marriage advice? Probably be quick to apologize. Say sorry first. Ephesians 4:26 says, "Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry." That's something Paige and I have practiced pretty literally. I've never slept on the couch, thank God. You've never slept on the couch, thank God. We make sure that before we ever go to bed, we have the conversation and resolve whatever needs to be resolved. And I think sometimes that doesn't happen because one person isn't willing to be humble. Say sorry first. "But they started it." You finish it first. You say sorry first. Don't let the sun go down on your anger. So I would say be quick to apologize, and say sorry first.

Paige: You're preaching to me right now.

Brad: Praise the Lord. What's your best piece of marriage advice?

Paige: Have sex often. No, I'm just kidding. That's not actually it. But it is very helpful if you're married. That one was for free.

Brad: Lord, help me, Jesus.

Paige: No. One of my favorite phrases, which someone told us and which we say often in our home, is to catch the little foxes. That's from Song of Solomon 2:15: "Catch for us the foxes, the little foxes that ruin the vineyards, our vineyards that are in bloom." It's saying it's not always the big thing. It's going to be the little things. So we'll say, "We're going to catch the little fox," and we'll even start conversations that way. It just means don't let the little things build up, because that's what becomes big things. How many times do you get in an argument with your spouse, and weeks later you can remember that you were fighting that day, but you can't even remember what it was about? It was probably a little thing that became a big thing.

What sexual activities are allowed in a Christian marriage?

Speaking of sex, we had a lot of highly specific questions in this area, even in marriage. Even the married people want to know more about sex. I love it. So: "What sexual activities are allowed within marriage?" This one's for you. I'm giving you the hard ones.

Brad: Y'all were so specific in your questions. Y'all asked about everything. Here's what I'm going to do. This is a mixed audience, and I know not everyone here is married, so I'm going to talk principle-based. If you need more, email me. But we are going to talk about it.

Here's why. The world is so loud on these issues, and the church can be so silent. And when the world is loud and the church is silent, formation is only happening from one side, and it's not the Jesus side. What I know about life is that whatever the church avoids, the devil invades. Sometimes pastors are so reluctant to talk about these things, and then people go to the world for their answers, and they go to depraved places.

So I'm going to give you a framework Paul gives that I think is so helpful. In 1 Corinthians, he's answering questions about sexual immorality, fornication, and homosexual behavior. A man is sleeping with his stepmother. It's a depraved place. And here's what he says in 1 Corinthians 6:12: "'All things are lawful for me,' but not all things are helpful. 'All things are lawful for me,' but I will not be dominated by anything." Another word there is enslaved. I will not be enslaved by anything.

From that scripture there are three words, lawful, helpful, and enslaved, that I think answer this question. Whenever you're asking, "Can we do this certain sexual activity in the bedroom?" here are some questions.

The first one: is it lawful? Is it allowed? Does it violate the laws of the Bible, or does it violate the nation's laws? If it does, you probably shouldn't be doing it.

The second question: is it helpful? What is the purpose of sex? It is union, oneness, children, pleasure. It's a picture of covenant. Does the activity pull you together, or does it push you apart? If the activity degrades, humiliates, violates conscience, or causes pain or harm, it is not beneficial, and it is not helpful.

The final question: is it enslaving? In other words, can it become addictive, obsessive, out of control? If that's the case, don't do it.

Let me help you apply some of this, because these are some of the questions. Can we look at porn together? No. It's not lawful. The Bible forbids it. You're lusting after someone who isn't your wife. It also isn't helpful, because it doesn't cause oneness. And it's enslaving. It's three for three. You out.

Another one: "They're not in the mood. Can I do stuff by myself that isn't porn?" No. Here's why. If you're doing stuff by yourself, most of the time you're not thinking about your wife, which means you're lusting after someone else. And if someone says, "No, but I'm thinking about my wife," at that point you need to know that the activity doesn't cause oneness. It's literally a separate activity, and the goal of sex is to cause oneness. I would advise strongly against that.

This question is so helpful: "How do I not feel rejected if my husband doesn't want to have sex, but would rather do it himself?" I think this is a good question, because so often we think it's only women who don't want to have sex. In this example, it's a husband. And let me just say, the reason you feel rejected is that it is rejection. In this example, your husband is living in sin. 1 Corinthians 7:3–5 says this: "The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. Do not deprive each other." In this example, you are depriving your wife, and you should be a good sir and do what the good Lord has called you to do. Die to self, love Jesus, love your wife, and fulfill that marital duty. If it's a medical thing, get that solved. But you have a responsibility to your wife.

And the final question on this: what sexual activities are appropriate between a husband and a wife? This is where I'm just going to give you some reading. Some extracurricular activity, because I'm not going to talk about this stuff right now with a mixed audience. If you're asking, "Can we do this? Can we do that?" most of your questions, I'm about to solve for you. Write this down: Song of Solomon 2:3; 4:16; 5:1; 5:2–6; 7:7–9; and 7:11–13.

I have not seen y'all take notes this fast. When you read that, and you're wondering, "Are they talking about...?" Yes, they are. Just go ahead and read that, and it should answer all of your questions about what you're allowed to do. But generally, if it's one husband and one wife, it doesn't harm, it's not enslaving, it doesn't cause sin, it causes oneness, and it isn't opposed to the Bible, go for it. Have fun.

What if my spouse stops meeting my intimacy needs?

Okay, question for you. Let's move on from that. "What do you do when you've told your spouse that your intimacy needs aren't being met, and they make the effort once or twice and then stop?"

Paige: Well, first of all, this has never happened to us, ever. So I don't know why someone would ask this question. I'm kidding. I think any married couple has lived in this. It's such a tension for most people. You just talked about 1 Corinthians 7. Out of this foundation of love, the Bible says we yield our bodies to one another. Scripture doesn't give us a prescription for an amount or a frequency, but you can know you're doing it right when both of you are saying, "My desires are being met." So it's whatever that looks like for you.

Naturally, there's going to be a person with a lower desire. It could be a lot lower or just a little lower. And the person with the lower desire is going to have to come up and serve in a greater way in this area. Practically, set a frequency. Have conversations about your expectations, whether you're married or about to get married. Sit down and ask, "What does that look like for you? What are your expectations for marriage, and what will sex look like in terms of frequency?" Once that frequency is set, it becomes a little easier to initiate and not experience rejection, which is so often felt in this part of marriage. You agreed to it. You predecided this is going to happen at this frequency, so it's easier to initiate.

The second part is that being spontaneous is not bad. You can still set a frequency. We've met with couples who say, "But that just feels so not fun. We predecided, and now it's just a thing." Well, no one said you can't also be spontaneous, whether you set a frequency of every day, every two days, every three days, whatever that is. We always say it only takes one of us to be in the mood for it to happen. And that's the way we see it biblically. It's serving one another, and it's so that you don't experience that rejection. What this doesn't mean is being demanding or demeaning. You talked about this. It's not abusing this. It's setting a foundation of love and then being willing to lovingly serve your spouse in that way.

What if we aren't sexually compatible?

Brad: Great. One more question for you on marriage. "What do you do if you and your spouse aren't sexually compatible?"

Paige: Oh, this is fun. If there's a man and a woman, they are sexually compatible, because you just are. That's how God made us. One of my favorite things Brad said, and I heard it a lot from you guys during this series too, was that if you rub two ugly sticks together long enough, you'll get a fire. So it doesn't matter about attraction.

But honestly, it depends on what this question means by not sexually compatible. Sometimes you're saying, "My spouse isn't my type anymore." You spoke about this earlier: when you get married, that person becomes your type. It doesn't matter what my type was before I married Brad. Now my type is 6'2" with brown hair and blue eyes. He has become my brand of beautiful, if you will. This is where your choices lead and your feelings follow. You chose that person, and you're going to put your feelings in line.

Or maybe you're saying you aren't sexually compatible because of two different desired frequencies, like we just talked about. That's where I would say have a conversation about it. And if you're married and your spouse is having that conversation with you, telling you the frequency of your sex life is not to their satisfaction, this is what we signed up for: a lifetime of feedback and having these conversations with one another. It requires that we all change and grow. If your spouse is asking for more, I think you have to listen, without judgment. The whole concept of seek first to understand before you're understood applies here.

How do you deal with conflict in marriage?

Okay, Brad. How do you deal with conflict in marriage? Even though we've never had any.

Brad: A lot of people asked about conflict in marriage. I want you to write down this verse. James 1:19: "My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry."

Quick to listen. What does that mean? Seek to understand before you seek to be understood. Often when you're fighting, all you're trying to do is be understood. You can end that fight if you become unselfish and say, "Let me fully understand their perspective." Be quick to listen. There are times you're talking and I think, "I think she may be done," and I count to three, and you keep going, and I'm like, "Okay, she hasn't fully finished." And when she's done, I ask, "Have I heard you correctly?" When she says yes, now I can speak.

The next part is this: you've got to be slow to speak. I want you to THINK before you speak, and that's an acronym. Ask yourself: is it true? A lot of times we say things that aren't true. "You always. You never." That's not true. Sometimes, but not always. Is it true? Is it helpful? Is it said in love? Ephesians 4:15 says to speak the truth in love. Is it necessary? Do you really have to say it? And finally, is it kind? If it's none of those things, just don't say it. It's not worth it. A lot less fights that way.

How do I overcome pornography addiction?

Paige: This next section we're going to end on is really for everyone, and we're going even deeper. We're going to talk a little more about porn, lust, and addiction. Someone said, "I'm struggling with pornography. What practical steps can I take to overcome it?" Brad, what would you say?

Brad: Sometimes we think pornography is only an issue for men. But if you look at the statistics, a third of women are struggling with pornography as well. So this is an issue for everyone. Whenever it comes to an addiction like pornography, you have to change your pattern so you can change your pathway. I'll say it again: you have to change your pattern so you can change your pathway, your neurological pathways.

The Bible talks about this. Romans 12:2 says, "Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will." Every single one of us has patterns we follow that create pathways in our minds. And some of you have a pathway to porn, a neurological pathway, because every time you've been triggered by something, like seeing something on Instagram, or feeling alone, or feeling sad, you've gone to porn. Some people have a six-lane highway to porn in their minds. The second they're triggered, that's exactly where they go. And there comes a point where you don't even think about it. You feel the trigger and you immediately go there. But the Bible says you're transformed by the renewing of your mind, which means you need to create a new pathway. You need to create a new pattern.

I have a habit loop I want you to see. This is how every kind of habit forms. There's something that triggers you. There's a craving. There's a response. And there's a reward. You're on Instagram and you're triggered by a girl you see. Then you feel lonely. That's the craving: I feel alone. So you look at porn, and you get some kind of reward, and there's shame that comes right after. Every time you go through one of those loops, it creates a pathway, and the more you walk down that pathway, the wider it gets. So you have to create a new pathway. How do you do it? A couple of ways.

Number one, tell one person this week if you're struggling with porn. James 5:16 says, "Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed." Everyone I know who has gotten victory over pornography, someone knew about it. Tell someone this week.

Second, find the trigger, not just the habit. No one watches porn out of nowhere. Something triggered you. I remember talking to a friend who struggled with pornography, and I asked, "Bro, what were you doing before you watched it?" And he said, "I'm always watching the show Friends." And I said, "You should stop watching Friends. That's your trigger." People say, "It's Instagram." Delete Instagram. Delete whatever the trigger is. Does that mean you can't have Instagram for the rest of your life? No. But you have to close this neurological pathway and create something healthy. You can't be trusted with Instagram yet. Jesus says in Matthew 5:29, "If your right eye causes you to stumble, gouge it out and throw it away." Jesus isn't being literal, but He is being serious. Whatever is triggering you, take it away. Put something between you and it.

And the final thing: replace the habit. Don't just remove it. 1 Corinthians 6:18 says, "Flee from sexual immorality." That doesn't just mean run away from something. You need to run toward something. Run toward people. Run toward a group. Run toward your Bible. Go on a run. For real, go on a run, go to the gym. You have to replace it with something else. If you're triggered but you create a new response, you create a new pathway. The more you walk down that pathway, the wider it gets, and now you have a six-lane highway to something healthy, and the old pathway closes. There will come a point where it's more difficult for you to look at pornography than to walk in freedom. That is possible. When you walk in freedom long enough, freedom becomes the default, the easy thing to do, because you've created such a pathway to it. Does that make sense?

If I was sexually assaulted, did I betray my future spouse?

Final question, and then we'll pray. This one's even deeper. Someone said, "I've been sexually assaulted. Does that mean I betrayed my future husband or my lifelong partner?"

Paige: It absolutely does not. I'm so glad someone asked this. I know this can be really heavy to talk about, but we felt we needed to address it, because so many people experience sexual assault. It's actually part of my story too. For so many years I got this wrong, because I aimed all the blame at myself instead of at the person who did this to me. Brad said this last week: sexual assault is not something to be forgiven of. It's something to be healed from.

So if that's you today, you didn't betray anyone, because betrayal requires a choice, and you didn't do anything. This is something that happened to you, and you can't betray someone with something you never chose. Someone did this against you.

God actually puts this in His law, and I think it's so helpful. In Deuteronomy 22:26–27, you can go read more, He's speaking about when a man forces himself on a woman, and the law says the woman has done nothing deserving death, while the man deserves death. She screamed, but there was no one to rescue her. Thousands of years ago, before there were hotlines and counselors, God went on record to make sure nobody could ever hang the weight on her. She is not guilty. And that's not just me up here being nice to you. That's what God's Word says.

In my own story, I had to recognize that it's not my fault, but how I deal with it now is my responsibility. Here's what that looked like for me, and I hope it can help somebody here today. A few things I'd love to hand you.

The first is to tell the truth about it. I minimized mine for years. I thought, was this even real? Did this really happen? Maybe I did something to deserve it. Healing starts the second you stop shrinking what happened. It was real. It was wrong. And it was not your fault.

The second thing is don't try to heal it alone. I sought counsel, not only through God's Word and the Lord taking the weight of this off of me, but also through a biblical counselor who helped me unpack parts of my story that my mind had chosen not to remember. Our minds are so powerful they can even repress these things. You can't just self-heal this. You need to do it with the Lord, and maybe with a counselor too.

And the last thing is to let God name you, instead of letting what happened to you name you. We shared earlier about the book of Ruth, and I love this book. Naomi, Ruth's mother-in-law, was feeling broken, and in Ruth 1:20 she tells the whole town, "Don't call me Naomi. Call me Mara." Mara means bitter. She literally says, "Call me bitter." She tries to rename herself by the worst thing that ever happened to her. But if you read the book of Ruth, she's the only one who ever calls herself that, one time. Everyone else calls her Naomi for the rest of the book. She tried to rename herself. What happened to you will try to rename you, but God has already given you a different name, and He's never going to call you by this one.

If you've ever experienced sexual assault and you're in this room, I just want to say I'm so sorry. It was not your fault. We love you, and we want to be a church that comes alongside you and resources you. We have certified counselors we would love to connect you with, if that's something you'd like. We would love for you to come up for prayer after the service. And I know some of you have never been able to speak those words out loud, so maybe it's an anonymous prayer request. We'd love to pray with you. You can tap the circle disc on the seat back in front of you so we can pray for you. And we pray that God truly heals this, because God isn't just trying to heal this so you can survive it. It's so that you can be loved well and love others well. That's what we're believing for you, if that's your story.

A God who renames us

Brad: Is anyone grateful for a God who renames us? A God who can redeem, no matter what happened? I want you to know this: whatever you've experienced in your life, you're not alone. We serve a God who can truly redeem everything, a God who can give you a brand-new name. When we become believers, He gives us a brand-new name. The Bible says the old is gone and the new has come. The Bible says in John 10:10 that the thief comes to steal, kill, and destroy, but Jesus came that you may have life, and have it to the full.

If you follow Jesus, you know that. And some of you in this room don't follow Jesus. You're far from Him, and coming into this room today you feel far from Him. If that's you, we want to pray for you before we close today. Can I ask everyone to bow your heads and close your eyes?

If you're here today and you're saying, "I know I'm a million miles away from God, and I need to come back to Him. I need to give my life to Him," we're going to pray a prayer. The gospel is simple. All of us have made mistakes. All of us deserve death. But Jesus came and died for us. He died on a cross. He paid our penalty. And the Bible says He was raised again, and if you believe in Him, you can have life.

If you're here and you're saying, "I'm going all in with Jesus. I want to follow Him," I want everyone to pray this for the benefit of those praying it for the first time. Repeat after me: "Dear Jesus, I believe that You're the Son of God and the Savior of the world. I believe You came to this earth, You died on a cross, and You were raised so that I can have life. And right now, I make You my Lord. I make You my Savior. In Jesus' name."