Are you all ready for the Word today? Don't say yes too quick, because y'all, we're having a fun conversation here today. Today I have the awesome and incredible privilege of having an incredibly awkward conversation with every single one of us, because today I have the honor of talking about sex. Come on, we're throwing some Salt-N-Pepa. Let's talk about sex. They were kind of prophetic, because they were like, "Let's talk about all the good things and the bad things that may be." You all know this: sex can cause some pretty bad stuff. But how many of you know this? Sex can also cause some pretty good stuff. So what we're doing today is looking at God's perspective on sex.

And let me say that I'm actually not awkward standing up here. I am so excited to have this conversation, because I believe there might be some people in this room who have been hurt by sexual encounters. And if that's the case, I believe the gospel wants to come. The Bible wants to come, and He wants to bring healing. We can clap for that.

There are some people in this room who have struggled with addiction. You have been trapped by sexual temptation. And if that's you, I want to show you how the gospel gives you a way out. And there are some of you whose marriage is actually struggling in areas of sexual intimacy. Let me just say that if we follow God's Word, God has the best plan for sexual intimacy. I believe this: Christians should have the best sexual intimacy. Why? Because God created it. And if He created it, we've got to be the best at it. So today, that's what we're going to be looking at. We're going to have a good old time.

Let me say this. I am not a shock-and-awe preacher. We're not going to be crude. But like I said, if you have a kid in here who is fifth grade and under, we have an incredible kids ministry. If you have a teenager, keep them here. Here's why: they're already learning about sex from the world. And here's the challenge. If you are only hearing about this from the world, you are being formed by one side of the equation. We need to look at what the Bible is saying, so that we can be formed by what the Bible says more than anything else. So I'm glad they're in here, because we need a godly perspective on what sex is.

What does the Bible say about sex?

If you have your Bibles, turn to Genesis chapter 2. We've been in a series called It's Complicated, and we've been talking about love, sex, and marriage. What we've been learning in this series is that when you do things the world's way, it gets complicated. But when you do it God's way, it becomes uncomplicated. That doesn't mean it's easy, but it is uncomplicated. And we've been looking at Genesis, because Genesis is very much a blueprint that shows us about humanity and where everything went wrong.

Genesis 2:22 is where we'll pick it up: "Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man. The man said, 'This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called "woman," for she was taken out of man.'"

Watch this. This is unique. "That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh." There's this incredible paradigm where woman is taken out of man, one becomes two, and now there's an attraction at work that actually wants to bring two together. That is why we are joined. That is why a man comes and is united to his wife.

And it says this: "Adam and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame." Praise God. That is the goal: that we can be in a marriage and be naked and unashamed. That's what I want to talk about today. I want to talk about being naked and unashamed, going back to God's original intent.

In the first couple of chapters of Genesis, you learn about creation, how God created the heavens and the earth, and how He created this beautiful garden. There were all these trees, but there were two trees: the tree of life and the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. And God said, "I do not want you to eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, because if you eat from that tree, you will die." In this place, God creates man. He puts man in this perfect system, and He has a relationship with man. But the problem is, a snake comes, and the snake starts to lie to them.

What lies do we believe about sex?

It just got me thinking about the lies we believe. Some of us believed some lies growing up. Why? Because our parents told us lies. There are just some lies you're told when you're growing up. One of them is that you can't have the interior light of your car on at night, because the cops will arrest you. My parents told me that. To this day, when I'm looking for something in the car, I'm like, "Oh, I've got to turn it off, because they're going to arrest me." I still have that in my system.

How about this one: you can't swallow gum, because it will be in your stomach for seven years. Where did the seven come from? I was like, man, my stomach is 50% gum at this point. Does the gum just find a crevice and go, "This is where we sit"? My mom would tell me, "Brad, don't swallow a watermelon seed, because if you swallow a watermelon seed, you will grow a watermelon." And as a kid I was like, that explains pregnancy. In my mind, you swallowed the watermelon seed. That's exactly right.

We have all these silly ones. Don't sit too close to the TV, you'll go blind. In South Africa, they would say your eyes would turn square. I was like, I don't know what that means, but I'm afraid of it. Surprisingly, there's actually some truth to that one, because I researched it. When TVs were first created, get this, there was radiation that came from them. So they were trying to help us, and then they just decided to keep perpetuating the lie. Or how about this one: you can't swim for 30 minutes after you eat. Every Fourth of July, that is the kids' mortal fear. "If I get into this pool, I shall die."

So there are some lies we get told, and they're harmless. But how many of you know that when the lies are about sexuality, they're not harmless? They're harmful. And the enemy will tell a whole bunch of lies.

One of the lies he would say is, "It's just physical. Don't worry about it." Y'all, it ain't just physical. Have you ever seen someone go to counseling because they had an awkward side hug? That has never happened. "Why are you in counseling?" "I had an awkward hand-holding situation." That is not what sends people to counseling. But so often, when you look at counseling and the root cause of so many issues, sexuality is at the base of it. Y'all, it is not just physical. It's something we carry the longest, but it's the thing we talk about last.

Here's another lie: "It's not a big deal. Don't worry about it." What's crazy about this is that people will often joke about the sins of their past. "One day I was mean to this person," or, "One day I did this." People will joke about their sins. But have you noticed how no one jokes about their sexual sins? There's just something deeper about that pain.

Another lie: "It's private. It doesn't hurt anyone." No, no, no, my friend. It hurts you. It hurts your future spouse. It rewires your brain. It messes us up.

There are some lies we believe that get us into it. But there are also some lies we believe that keep us bound in it. Here are some of them: "This is just who I am now." "I've gone too far." "If they really knew, they would leave." "No one can ever know." "I'm the only one." "Once I'm married, the pain will go away." Let me just say this: those are all lies of the enemy. And what we have to do as disciples of Christ is, whenever the snake speaks, we have to confront it with the truth.

The Bible talks about this. John 8:31: Jesus says, "If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples." I think sometimes we think we can be a Christ follower and not follow Christ. Let me just say, it doesn't work that way. You don't get to say, "Oh, I can sin sexually. I can do a whole bunch of stuff and I'm not going to repent, and this is just my desire, but I'm a Christian." No, you're not. A Christ follower follows Christ. He says, "If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples. Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." So today, we need to learn the truth about sex so that we can walk in freedom.

What is a biblical theology of sex?

So what I want you to know first and foremost about sex, as we develop a foundation, a theology of sex, is this.

1. Sex is sacred

Sex is sacred. That's a word we don't hear a ton. It doesn't just mean that it's very important. It means it is set apart. It is holy. It is consecrated. It belongs to God. It is designated for a purpose.

The Bible says this in 1 Corinthians 6:18: "Flee from sexual immorality." That's any kind of sexual sin outside the confines of a marriage between a husband and a wife. "All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body." Watch this, verse 19: "Do you not know that your bodies are temples..." What is that? It's a sacred space. "...of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price." And that is more valuable than anything else, because the price that was paid for you was Jesus on the cross. He paid the price. And the Bible says this: "Therefore honor God with your bodies."

Sex is sacred, but so often we treat it as common. How many people are musicians in the room? Anyone play the violin? Some of you may know about the Stradivarius, which is one of the most expensive violins ever created. They were made by Antonio Stradivari in Italy in the 1700s. People said the sound was almost angelic. They said it sounds spiritual. So many people have tried to copy the sound, but they've never been able to. There's one right now called the Messiah Stradivarius. It goes for $20 million. It is the most beautiful violin ever created.

Can you do me a favor and pass it on? I just want everyone to get a bit of a feel. Isn't that beautiful? Pass it to the next person. Keep it going.

How many of you know that's not a Stradivarius? That is the cheapest kids' violin I could find on Amazon. But see, when I threw it, everyone went, "Oh my gosh, don't harm the Stradivarius. It's precious. It's sacred." Yet we will treat that with greater honor and dignity than we treat our own sexuality. That thing can be replaced. You cannot be replaced. You are more valuable than that thing. Jesus didn't die for that thing. He died for you. And yet we're like, "No, it's okay. I can just do whatever I want with it." No, you can't. God created this.

Is sex a gift from God?

You need to understand that sex has a designer. The same way that violin has a designer, sex has a designer. And when God created sex, He made it good. I dare you to say amen. He made it good.

I think anytime we talk about sex and there are unbelievers in the room, they're like, "Man, I know churches. I know what you're going to say. You're going to say, 'Don't have it. Take a shower. Go for a run. Sex is gross. Save it for your spouse.'" Why do we say that? Sex is not gross. It is a gift, and it is actually good. God invented it, He created it good, and He blessed it.

Genesis 1:27 says this: "So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them. God blessed them and said to them, 'Be fruitful and increase in number.'" In other words, bow chicka wow wow. That's what that verse says. "Fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky." Verse 31: "God saw all that he had made," which included sex, "and it was very good." Not only good. It was very good. God created sex, and He designed it to be good.

What is the purpose of sex according to the Bible?

Sex has a designer. Not only does it have a designer, sex has a purpose. And if you want to know the purpose of something, you have to ask the creator of that thing.

Take this speaker. I can use it as a chair. It is a bad chair. I am not comfortable right now. But how many of you know that if I use this as a chair, it is living below its potential? If you don't understand something, you misuse something. And when you misuse something, you abuse something. The creator of the speaker had a specific purpose for it. When God created sex, He had a specific purpose for it. We think it's just fun, something you do before you get married, and that's all it is. No, no, no. There are specific purposes to sex, and I want to help you understand what the Bible says the purposes of sex are.

Union

The first is union. The purpose of sex is unity between a husband and a wife. Genesis 2:24: "That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh."

But I want you to see this. Union happens in multiple ways. 1 Corinthians 6:16 says this: "Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body? For it is said, 'The two will become one flesh.'" So this union happens even if you're not married.

We have no understanding of what "one flesh" even means. When you hear that, it's covenantal language. In other words, whenever you have sex with someone, it is a contract you sign with your body. Whether you meant it or didn't mean it, whether you were just checking things out or not, whether it was casual or it wasn't, sex is signing a contract with your body that says, "I am yours forever. You are mine forever."

The challenge is, it's not only a contract. It's a covenant. Contracts have terms and conditions; they can be broken. A covenant says, even if you don't hold your side, this is the covenant we're making. So what we're doing in casual sex is learning to make covenants and break them. "I am yours forever, and you are mine." "I am yours forever, and you are mine." And then we wonder why we're fractured. It says, "I give myself to you, and you give yourself to me."

And you might say, "Brad, I didn't know that when all of that happened. I didn't realize that was what was happening." But your body said it, even if your mouth didn't. I can't back away from what the Scripture teaches, but I can say this: there's redemption in Christ Jesus. And we don't have to stay there.

Sex is meant to unify. That's why marriage is so beautiful, because you are doing something in the body that you said with your mouth. You made a vow, and they are in congruence.

Children

The second reason for sex is children. Praise the Lord. Genesis 1:28 says, "God blessed them and said to them, 'Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it.'"

Psalm 127:3 says this: "Children are a heritage from the Lord, offspring a reward from him." I'm so glad we did parent-child dedication today. "Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are children born in one's youth. Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them." Now, I don't know when my quiver is full. I don't know if that means two kids, three kids, or four kids. But children are a blessing from the Lord.

Pleasure

A third purpose for sex is pleasure. At its core, sex is fun. And if you're not having fun, you're doing it wrong. I'm going to look down as I say that.

Proverbs 5:18 says this: "May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful deer, may her breasts satisfy you always." And some of you did not know that was in the Bible. You're like, "I like this book. I'm going to read this book." You haven't taken notes all day, but you're like, "That's good, preacher. I'm going to write that one down." Proverbs 5:19: "May you ever be intoxicated with her love."

Picture

But here's what I think is crazy. Sex is not only union. It's not only children. It's not only pleasure. It's a picture.

Watch this. In Ephesians 5:31, Paul is quoting Genesis: "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh." And then he says this. Watch this bait and switch: "This is a profound mystery, but I am talking about Christ and the church." So he's talking about sex, and then he's like, "Hey, I'm actually not talking about sex. I'm talking about Christ and the church."

What does that mean? Sex is actually a signpost. It is not a destination. It's pointing to something greater, and what it's pointing to is our oneness with Christ. When you're married to someone, your relationship is exclusive. Our relationship with Christ is exclusive. There are no other gods. It is Christ. In sex, two become one. The Bible says that when you come to Christ, your spirit is united with Him. Even though you're distinct, you're united. Jesus was self-giving. He held nothing back. Again, that's the picture of what sex needs to be.

And here's the craziest one. It is a covenant made in the body that was sealed permanently. Jesus died on the cross. He made a covenant with His body, and He signed it permanently. Sex is supposed to be a covenant in the body that you sign permanently. Can y'all see that picture? It is supposed to mirror it. Sex is a shadow. Christ is the substance.

Which shows you why the enemy wants to attack it. Because if you see sex as not covenantal, then you will doubt what God means when He says, "I'm making a covenant with you." You're like, "I know what a covenant means. It means you say a bunch of stuff you don't mean and then you break up. God says His love endures forever, but my parents said that and they got divorced. They promised at the altar and they didn't live it." Our society is getting fractured, and we don't even understand what covenant means. We say, "In sickness and in health, for better or for worse," and then we say, "I fell out of love." You all have seen it. We don't even understand what covenant is.

How does the enemy sabotage sex?

You need to know that sex is sacred. And because it is a picture of that, you also need to know that sex got sabotaged.

2. Sex got sabotaged

That's what happened in the garden. They were in the garden. There was no shame. They had complete innocence. And then the enemy comes, and he starts to lie. He had a strategy then. He still has a strategy now. Satan has a strategy.

Watch this. Genesis 3:1: "Did God really say, 'You must not eat from any tree in the garden'?" God didn't say that. So what he does is start with a half-truth. Get this: temptation always begins with deception. He starts with a half-truth. And the woman says, "We may eat fruit from the trees in the garden, but God did say, 'You must not eat fruit from the tree that is in the middle of the garden, and you must not touch it, or you will die.'"

"'You will not certainly die,' the serpent said to the woman. 'For God knows that when you eat from it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.'" He says, "Don't listen to God. He's hiding something from you. Explore for yourself. Don't just trust that God's way is good and is the way of life. Eat of the fruit, see for yourself, and judge whether or not it is good or evil."

And that's what we do. People say, "Don't have sex before marriage," and we're like, "But I want to try it, because I want to judge for myself if it's good or not." Someone says, "Don't watch porn," and you're like, "Why are you telling me that? I want to see if it's bad." So we step into it, because we want to see if it's good or not. That is exactly what the enemy did in the garden, and he does it still today. He starts with a question, and then he tempts you to find out for yourself whether or not it is good. "Do not believe what God is saying. Find out for yourself."

Let me say this. Do not be stubborn. Do not be hard-hearted. And do not be intrigued by evil. When God says no to something, it's because He has a better yes. God isn't trying to keep you from something. He is trying to keep something for you.

Is lust the same as adultery?

But the enemy has a playbook, and it starts so small, and he does it still today. Married or single, it often starts with lust. Lust starts in the mind.

Matthew 5:27 says this: "You have heard that it was said, 'You shall not commit adultery.'" That's sleeping with a married person. "But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart." He didn't say lust is like adultery. He said it is adultery of the heart. So if we undress someone with our eyes or imagine someone sexually, in that moment, it is lust.

And the lie is that it doesn't hurt anyone, because no one even knows. The truth is, it hurts you. If we aren't careful to repent and turn away from it, lust starts to actually change your brain. You stop looking at people as images of God, and instead you see them as someone you can take something from. It changes the way you see people. You start to objectify people.

And he doesn't only want you for that moment. He wants you to create the habit, because the habit doesn't just stop with lust. It leads to pornography, because eventually the lust isn't enough. Pornography turns people into products. Instead of people being someone to love, they become someone to be consumed. What started in your mind now has a screen. And porn teaches you, "You exist to serve my appetite, and then you disappear." It's completely counter to sex and marriage and what God originally designed. It is not physical union. It does not create kids. You think it's pleasurable for a moment, but then there's shame that comes along with it. And it is not a picture of Christ, because it is not giving. It is all about taking.

And then it escalates, because porn isn't enough. So then you start what the Bible would call fornication. If you ever see that word, it's sex before marriage. And that brings another person into your mess. We start saying, "I belong to you forever. I belong to you forever. I belong to you forever." That's when the fracture starts, because you're making vows you can't keep. So your vows mean less and less and less.

Then you get married, and your entire training curriculum has been that sex is about taking something for yourself. So you enter into a selfish marriage where both are trying to take and no one is trying to give. "In the past I could withhold, because I had control, so now I'm going to withhold." Or someone says, "Whenever I wanted it, I could just take it through my phone, so now I just need to take it from you." Both become selfish. Rejection comes into play. And the next thing you know, you're hurt, and you're like, "I'll look somewhere else." And adultery comes into play. This is a pattern we've seen time and time again, unless you break the pattern.

How does adultery start?

You don't just wake up one day and land in a hotel. It doesn't start that way. It starts small. It starts with that one look. It starts with the tab we didn't close. And then it starts with the conversation we enjoy too much. You see, lust taught you to look. Porn taught you that a person is a product. And casual sex taught you that a vow can be walked away from. So now we're like, "When I used to do this casually, no one knew about it. So I'm going to do this on the side, and my spouse will never know." It will come into the light.

Which leads to the next part of the enemy's plan: divorce, which is the breaking of one flesh. Matthew 19:6 says, "So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate." God binds together, but humans tear apart. And if you've been divorced, you know this: it is not like a contract ending. It feels like an amputation. What do we need to do? Flee from sexual immorality.

Why does the enemy attack sex?

You see, Satan has a strategy, but he also has a reason. John 10:10 says, "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy." He wants to steal the meaning of sex. He wants to kill your union, because he wants to destroy the picture. What picture? The picture of Christ and His church.

That's why sexual sin is in a category of its own. It's not because it's the worst kind of sin you can commit. It's because it's the sin that destroys a portrait of covenant. That's why the enemy comes after it. God creates marriage, and He says, "You say you're going to be yours forever, and this is what that looks like." And then we don't even understand what that looks like. Casual sex preaches a false gospel, because it says God gives Himself and leaves. Adultery and divorce preach that covenant is breakable. So we have a generation that doesn't even understand commitment and covenant because of the casual sex culture we have. It got sabotaged.

Can God redeem your sexual past?

The thief comes to steal, kill, and destroy. But here's what I love. It doesn't matter what you've gone through in your life, because the Bible doesn't end there. It says this: "I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." That's Jesus.

3. Sex can be sanctified

Yes, sex got sabotaged. But the thing I love about Jesus is that sex can also be sanctified. And whatever it is that you have walked through, let me just say this: it can be sanctified. If there is pain in your marriage, if there's adultery in your marriage, if stuff has happened, let me tell you something. Jesus can come, and He can heal that thing. Jesus has a redemptive plan. That's what I want to talk about. Jesus redeems.

1 Corinthians 6:16 says, "Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body? For it is said, 'The two will become one flesh.'" When I read that earlier, some of you felt so much conviction, because you said, "Brad, I didn't even realize that was what was happening. Help me. What do I need to do?"

Here's what I love. The next verse says this: "But." Say "but." "But whoever is united with the Lord is one with him in spirit." It's saying you were joined with her in body, but now you're joined with Christ in spirit. That's not saying the sexual union didn't happen. It's saying there is a greater union that is defining you now, and that is your union with Christ Jesus. Can I get a good amen? There is a greater union that defines you.

What does the gospel say? 1 Corinthians 6:9: "Or do you not know that wrongdoers will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral..." The word there is porneia, which is any kind of sexual intimacy outside of a marriage between a husband and a wife. "...nor idolaters nor adulterers nor men who have sex with men..." So, homosexuality. "...nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God."

Some people say, "I'm going to follow Jesus casually. I'm going to do all of this stuff. I'm in a homosexual relationship, and I'm unrepentant of it. I'm sleeping with people, and I'm unrepentant of it. I don't really want to change it, but I follow Jesus." My friend, you do not follow Jesus. When you follow Jesus, you follow Jesus. I don't know how else to say that. It doesn't mean you don't mess up. But it does mean that you repent when you're living outside of the Word of God, and you come back into alignment. That's what following Jesus means. It's not "I get to do both." If you think you're doing both, you are deceived, and you are believing a lie from the enemy.

They will not inherit the kingdom of God. "And that is what some of you were. But you were washed." Is anyone grateful that you were washed? "You were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God." You need to know this: your sexual past may be real, but it does not have permanent ownership over you. It does not own you. Christ does. Jesus does. You're in relationship with Him.

Are soul ties biblical?

I think that's so important, because some of you are in this place where you've had sexual experiences, and often there's a teaching in the church around this thing called soul ties. It's the number one question I get on this subject. "Brad, do I have soul ties? What does that mean?"

Let me tell you something about soul ties. That word is not in the Bible. It is a teaching that came out in 1980. It is not a historical belief of the church.

Here's how it goes. 1 Samuel 18:1 says the soul of Jonathan was knit to the soul of David. These are two friends. There's nothing sexual about this. Their souls were knit. It means they were good friends. And then they take 1 Corinthians 6:16, which says that if you're with a prostitute, you're one with her in body, the two will become one flesh. And because of this, they say, you now have a magical spiritual cord that attaches you to someone. So people are walking around thinking they have five, ten, fifteen cords attaching them to people. And then the teaching goes that when you get married and get into bed, you now have fifteen people in the bed with you. Find that in the Bible.

Here's the challenge with this teaching: it does real damage. It says that freedom depends on you saying a certain kind of prayer that severs the cord. It leaves you scanning for past cords you might have missed, always wondering if you got them all. And worst of all, it tells someone who was abused that their abuser is spiritually attached to them, and that a predator has a permanent claim on their soul. That is a lie from the pit of hell.

The cross is not a pair of scissors that cuts a cord. The cross is a place of death. Romans 6:6–7: "For we know that our old self was crucified with him... because anyone who has died has been set free from sin." When you came to Jesus, you did not get untied. You died. The old flesh died. 2 Corinthians 5:17: "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!" The old has not been unknotted. It's gone. Colossians 2:14: "...having canceled the charge of our legal indebtedness, which stood against us and condemned us; he has taken it away, nailing it to the cross."

Is it a soul tie or a consequence?

And then people say, "But Brad, sometimes I still think about those people. I still wonder about those people. I still long for those people. I must have a tie." No, my friend, that is not a tie. That is a consequence, because there are still consequences of sin. Soul ties aren't real, but consequences are. A tie means something owns you, but a consequence means someone hurt you. A tie means you need to be delivered, but a consequence means you need to be healed.

So here are consequences that people think are ties. Comparison: if you've had past sexual encounters, you can be married and those memories can show up uninvited in your bed. Longing for that person, dreaming about them, dwelling on past memories, looking them up on Facebook. That is a consequence.

Another consequence is distortion. If you believed your entire life that sex was dirty, that sex was bad, that it was filled with so much shame, you can enter into marriage having so programmed yourself that you still feel shame even though God has approved it. What is that? It's a consequence.

Wiring: sex was something you took or something that got taken from you, and now you're in a marriage where you need to give, and your brain can't quite connect that. That's a consequence. Jealousy and frustration: when you hear about your partner's sexual past, and you're trying to deal with it, and you're jealous. That's a consequence. Even trauma you've experienced. There are consequences attached to what has happened. But the beautiful thing about Jesus is that He can heal it.

You didn't do anything wrong

I just need to take a second to speak to anyone who has sexual trauma. If anyone has ever told you that you need to repent of what happened: you do not need to be forgiven for a sexual act that was done against your will. You do not need to pray for repentance of that thing. What Jesus wants to do is come and heal that thing. You didn't do anything wrong. You didn't do anything wrong. Some of you need to hear that. You are not broken. You do not need to feel guilty. You may feel wounded, but Jesus can heal that thing.

How do you find healing from sexual sin and shame?

So how are we healed, as we close? Jesus' way, in His Word.

Make Jesus Lord of your life

The first thing I need you to do is make Jesus Lord of your life. Allow Him to come. Allow Him to heal. Repent of whatever has happened in your life.

Today is Baptism Sunday. If you've never been baptized, I want to encourage you to be baptized. In baptism, the old self goes into the water and the new self comes out. It's a picture of what happens when you get saved. It's the wedding band of Christianity. If you have not done it, I want you to get baptized today. If you feel dirty, I want you to go and get baptized. Watch Jesus wash you clean.

Confess

You make Jesus Lord of your life, and then you confess. Some of us are hanging on to so much sexual sin, and no one knows about it, and you feel alone. Stats say that 97% of people have secrets, and most of them are sexual. Talk to someone. James 5:16 says, "Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed." You don't have to carry that thing alone. You can say, "Hey, this is what happened to me."

Renew your mind

And once you do that, I want you to renew your mind over time. Romans 12:2 says this: "Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will."

What does that mean? There are going to be times in your life, whether it's lust or porn or whatever it is, when the enemy is going to tempt you to give in to the flesh. And what you have to do is starve the flesh and feed the spirit. I'm going to pray. I'm going to read my Bible. I'm going to go all in with God. I'm going to go to church. I'm going to be in godly community.

And for some of us, the reason you're struggling so much sexually is that you're trying to feed both. Friends, if you're going to follow Jesus and get serious about your fellowship with Jesus, you have to make a decision now about how much of the world you're going to let in. Paige and I don't listen to secular music. Why? I am starving the flesh so that I can feed the spirit. We're so careful with what we watch. Why? I am starving the flesh so that I can feed the spirit. I have to change my mind, because I'm inundated by the world, and I don't want to think like the world. I want to think like Jesus.

What does the Bible say about intimacy in marriage?

Which goes to the final thing: Jesus sets our standard. I want to take a real quick second and talk to the married couples here as we close.

Ephesians 5:21 says this: "Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ." He goes on and says, husbands, lay down your life for your wives. Wives, submit to your husbands.

Whenever we're talking about sexual intimacy, the issue I've seen most with couples is often around frequency. People ask, "Brad, how much should we do it?" I'm not going to give you a number. Praise God. But I am going to tell you what the Bible says, because the Bible answers this question.

Paul says this in 1 Corinthians 7:2, and married couples, I need you to lock in here for a second. I'm going to give you some homework after this. "But since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband." That's a good verse. "The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband." We sometimes think husbands are the ones with the big sex drive. That's not the case. It is so varied, and this verse talks to both. "The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer."

Some of us were praying too much. I'm kidding. You can't pray too much. But it can't always be 21 Days of Prayer. "We're not doing it, because we're praying." No, no, no. Y'all hear what I'm saying? "Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control."

What does healthy sex in marriage look like?

Let me say this about redeemed, healthy sex. This is what the Bible says. It is regular. It is generous. It is sacrificial. It is loving. It is kind. It doesn't give a quota. What it does say is that sexual intimacy should be a regular, mutual part of marriage, and neither spouse should use prolonged sexual deprivation as a normal pattern.

It doesn't give you a number. It gives you a question. And the question is this: are we caring about one another's sexual needs and cultivating sexual intimacy in our marriage? "Brad, how much should we be doing it?" When both of you can say, "My needs are being met." That's what it says.

Now, one warning, because whenever you're dealing with this, I feel like you have to caveat things. This should not be turned into "The Bible says you owe me sex whenever I want." Paul's framework is mutuality. It's not coercion. Sex should never be demanded through pressure, fear, manipulation, or entitlement, because that completely misses Paul's point of mutual self-giving. It also means that sometimes in life, frequency is going to change because of pregnancy and postpartum recovery, illness, exhaustion, grief, travel, aging, medication, trauma, and kids waking up every 37 seconds. It's going to happen.

So what is the standard the Bible gives us? The Bible's standard is not a number. It is mutual generosity.

So here's the homework I want every married couple to have. This week, you should have a conversation that's built on a foundation of love and self-giving, not coercion, and every other caveat I just gave. You need to have a conversation about what frequency can leave you both feeling satisfied and not deprived. And husbands, this isn't where you say three times a day. Love. People ask, "Brad, what about medical issues?" Yeah, love covers that. Does that make sense? The motive has to be love. Then you can have a conversation about what this actually looks like, and then you step into it.

And people ask, "But Brad, what if we want to do it more than the standard we set?" Great. Do it more. Praise God for that. But I want to encourage you to have a conversation about what that looks like and then live into it. Because the picture is that we yield our bodies to each other. If a wife has a higher sex drive, husband, you yield your body, and vice versa, out of love and mutual self-giving. Jesus gave of Himself fully.

Let your opinion about sex be a biblical one

And with what I just said, there might be a moment right now where you have to be careful that what's driving your reaction isn't a lie you've believed from culture, or from the movies that have tried to teach you what sex is. My encouragement to you is this: delete everything culture has told you about sex, build it back up only with the Word of God, and see where you land.

You can have an opinion about sex. Just let it be a biblical one. You can make an argument, as long as you argue it with Scripture and not with what the latest movie has taught you. We have to be so careful about this. Why? Because this is the number one thing the enemy uses to destroy marriages.

Can I pray for you? Lord God, I want to thank You for every single person who is here. Lord God, I want to thank You that Your Word says You have placed before us life and death, blessings and curses, and You want us to choose life. God, may we choose the way of life. God, I want to pray for every married couple in here, Lord, that You will be with them, that You will bless them as we have conversations around this. I pray that shame will go away, that mutual love will take place, God, that incredible conversations will happen, and that we'll step into the healthiest marriages we have ever seen. Father, that in our church we'll have people who are healed, people who are stepping into greater levels of intimacy, where we can be naked and unashamed with our spouse. Lord God, may You move. Holy Spirit, may You speak.

Even right now, ask the Holy Spirit, "Holy Spirit, what is it that You're saying to me?" And He'll speak. Or continue praying.

There might be some people here who don't know Jesus. The gospel is simple. It says all of us have messed up. You could be in here today and feel a million miles away from God. But the beautiful thing is that Jesus came close to you. He came to this earth. He lived on this earth. He died a death we couldn't die. He was put on a cross, and He was raised so that you can have life. And if you make Him Lord, the Bible says you'll be with Him for eternity.

If you're here and you've never made that decision, we want to give you that opportunity. If that's you, just pray after me: "Dear Jesus, I believe that You're the Son of God and the Savior of the world. Jesus, today I give You my life. Make me clean. Wash me clean. I'm sorry for the mistakes I've made and the sin I've done. Make me a new creation. I am Yours and You are mine forever. Save me. Holy Spirit, change me. In Jesus' name."